When kids don't meet our expectations

When Zayed was a toddler, he could kick a ball before he walked, and I went " he'll be a great soccer player!", he took to the water well and I said "he'll be a swimmer!", he ran after birds, touched cats and rabbits and I said "he'll be close to animals!". Practically, everything mummy never was but secretly hoped to be.

Now, he is 3 yrs old. He is slow in his Gross motor, so he is not good in sports. He is scared of water, so swimming classes are very stressful. He runs away from mynahs and sparrows and only finds pleasure in feeding fishes. Frankly, I got a bit disappointed. Then, I cleared my mind and looked at my son again.

True he may not be good in sports but he could still get his daily exercise. He may not be a swimmer but he loves to go to the pool. He may not be a vet, but he loves animals. BUT.....

His imagination is vast, far bigger than I've known any 3 yr old's to be. Simple lego blocks transform into the treasury building, MRT trains, stations, leaning towers, alphabets, numbers, dominoes, zoo, gardens, food, drinks, etc in his tiny hands.

He could beat box! I am not kidding...He could hold a tune far better than his parents. He makes music with his teeth, tongue, throat and god know what else in his mouth. He tries to play the tunes in his head in my husband's keyboard. He loves to sing and could remember lyrics after hearing the song just twice. I realised then, that my son does not have to be what I could not be. He could be what he wants to be. May God let me have this mindset for years to come.

And so, I change my search. I look out for ideas and opportunities for my boy to exercise his imagination. I want to give him opportunities to maximise his music potential. And so, if u know anyone who teaches beat boxing for pre schoolers, just let me know, cos I've got a rapper in my house. :)

Zayed, my intelligent child who is often misunderstood. We love you so much and will always be there for you.

Loss and Gains of 2010

As 2010 comes to a close, I look back at my major gains and losses for the year.

LOSS

1. Lost the closeness with some of my friends due to lack of contact.

2. Lost some really close people whom I considered family. They taught me the lesson that closeness may not stand through time and may not be mutual always. Made me realise that all that talk about close friends keeping each other in check does not ring true with everyone. Sometimes, people move away without giving you a chance to explain yourself.

3. Lost my mind, self esteem and sense of self several times.

4. Literally lost a family member. Dad, you are still missed. Wished you were here to be proud of Zayed's speech, cognitive and creative abilities. Wished you were here to carry Talha and pamper him like how you pampered Zayed. Wished you were here for me to tell Talha that "this is aappaa"...

GAINS

1. A beautiful child named Talha who is a true blessing from God.

2. A wonderful family of four which feels complete. Hope Allah keeps us close always.

3. A wonderful sister-in-law who is right for the family.

4. Opportunities to strengthen relationships and friendships.

5. "Mummy" friends who understand the phase of life that I am going through.

6. A new found love and admiration for my husband who does all he can to keep me mentally and physically steady. God definitely knows my best pair.

With that I finish this year on a pleasant note. May 2011 be a better year.

My wishes for the new year :)

1. A trip with just jalees and me to spend some much needed time alone.

2. A break from life and an all girls trip somewhere with one or more crazy gals!

3. To move far away from depression and get back the confident and clear "me".

4. To be always there for my boys and see them grow as beautifully as they do now.

Happy 2011 everyone!

A Peek into my life

14/09/10
3.30 am
- Feed Talha
4.10 am
- Talha wakes up again. Latch him lying down and sleep. Wake up on and off to latch as and when he wakes up.
8.00 am
- Wake up with a stiff extended arm. get Zayed ready for school
8.50 am
- Carry Talha (8.3 kg) in baby carrier and walk Zayed to school in the scorching sun.
- bring Talha to clinic. take q no and walk back home
10 am
- bathe Talha and feed him
10.50 am
- carry Talha and fetch Zayed from school and bring them both to clinic.
- see the doctor for Talha, buy lunch and walk back home
12.00 pm
- change Zayed, feed Talha, feed Zayed with a whiny Talha sitted on my lap and get them both ready for sleep.

constant factors
- scorching sun, housework, feeding talha, answering zayed, making sure zayed is safe. keeping talha entertained. cryings, screamings, whinings, etc.

15/09/10
- sleepless night
- wake up late and get Zayed ready for school
9.10 am
- leave home for school with Talha in carrier. heavy downpour starts.
- put raincoat for Zayed while balancing a jumping talha. carry umbrella in one hand and firmly hold Zayed in the other.
- try to hold umbrella steady in the strong wind and rain.
9.20 am
- reach school with all 3 of us wet. answer stupid old ladies questions of why I came and why never bring umbrella since they didn't see my wet umbrella which was outside.
- walk back home in heavy rain
9.35 am
- get ready, get Talha ready, feed him
10.45 am
- fetch Zayed from school, take a cab and go to mum's place.

constant factors
- housework, feeding talha, entertaining zayed and talha, answering zayed, making sure they are safe. crying, whining....

And that is only 2 half days worth of stuff. A peek into the life of a stay at home mum. Notice there is no mummy in the schedule? Noticed the absence of breakfast, lunch, etc? These are slotted in immediately at an opportune moment.

save the terms "tai tai", "new age complaining mum", "free", etc. cos u don't know what you are talking about.

DAD

Daughters are usually closer to their dads. I was not daddy's girl. At least not that I remember in all my years. My dad was the typical indian muslim man who viewed his daughter as a responsibility, as a duty to be fulfilled and had the notion that daughters are not meant to last unlike sons. Maybe he had his ideas due to him looking after his 4 younger sisters and getting them married off in the absence of his parents. My dad's attitude towards me, as I remember, revolved around this notion of his.

Ironically though, among the 3 of his children, I inherited most of his personality. From his friendliness, passion for org.anising events and functions to his rebelliousness, confrontational attitude and hot headedness. My dad didn't know how to behave to his daughter who had similar traits as him. Our relationship was nothing rosy. We can be in the same house and not exchange a single word the whole day.

Things changed after my marriage as I fit into his married daughter category. In the last few years of his life, he tried in vain to patch the big hole between us. The love he couldn't show me, he poured it on my son, Zayed. The conversations he couldn't have with me, he had with my husband, his only son-in-law, whom he was extremely proud of.

Now, he is gone forever. I never thought I'll miss him. But, I see him in my Zayed. I see him in his toys, t-shirts, shorts,etc.

A particular incident keeps on coming to my mind. Once, we were at Gleneagles hospital to visit a relative critical in ICU and my dad bought me breakfast at delifrance. He is the coffee shop type, so I did the ordering. He tried to eat the croissant sandwhich I got for him using the knife and fork and was desperately trying to pretend that he's comfortable. Then, he saw me gobble my ciabatta down with my hands and he followed suit thankfully. It was just me and him at the table. A very rare occurence. We didn't know what to say and we were trying to make conversation. If he had viewed me in a different light, we could have been the best of buddies. We could have had more talks over teh tarik, our favourite. Some things are just not meant to be.

So, here's me missing you dad. Hope your shortcomings will be forgiven and Allah will be gracious towards you. See you soon.

just

what do you do when you feel lost in your life? look back at times that made sense? Ponder on the what ifs and should haves and might bes? Does it do any good anyway? Low on morale and ibadah and both are fuelling each other making me feel worse.

super burn out.